Rants and worries

Sent out another care package today.
This is something I truly love doing... It perfectly combines my neurotic need to take care of the Captain with my obsession with packing boxes.
I love organizing everything I can into boxes. I love making sure everything fits perfectly, and as much as ossible is put in each one. Weird...? Very... but I guess in the grand scheme of things... I could be stranger. Maybe?

I do pack some awesome packages though. ...Just sayin'.

However.. something gets to me...

I'm not the first woman to be sending care packages to the Captain. The captain was married during his first deployment. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess it's because the sending and recieving of packages is personal. It's really the only way I have to care for him right now. I don't know. I don't know what it is. But it's neurotic to say the least... right?

The head of our FRG has been posting some "military wife" sayings lately... This one especially got under my skin... And I've heard it before.. So I'm not bitching about her... she just reminded me.

 "The Silent Ranks
 I wear no uniforms, no blues or greens.
 But, I am in the military, in the ranks rarely seen.
 I have no rank upon my shoulders. Salutes I do not give.
 But in the military world is where I live.
 I am not in the chain of command, orders I do not give or get.
 But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget.
 I am not the one who fires a weapon, Who puts his life on the line.
 But my job is just as tough, I’m the one who is always left behind.
 My husband is a patriot, a brave and pride filled man.

 And the call to serve his country not all can understand.
 Behind the lines, I see things needed to keep this country free.
 My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do my kids and me.
 I love the man I married. The military is his life.
 So I pledge to support my hero and stand among the silent ranks known as THE MILITARY WIFE."

 

Why does this nice little ditty bug me? Because... As The loved ones who are left behind... out jobs are NOWHERE "Just as tough". We've still got our comfy beds, our families by our sides, home cooked meals, weekends... and the list goes on. Just because our soldiers are gone for a year and we have to man up to take care of the household does not make our jobs just as hard. They SUCK... WE do sacrifice... The worry, and missing him is awful... and I know it's probably not going to feel any better any time soon... but enough with the pity party.

 

That's my rant. Sorry.

 

Five things!

1. The custody hearing is over... my daughter is all mine... and My ex (not my kiddo's biological father) is finally off her paperwork.

2. Though I was worried at first.. her biological father did show at the hearing. But it was to show support and just be there. It is nice to know he and his wife truly do want to work with me. I feel like I have a team.. and can rely on them to help me give her a strong family... As viney as it may be.

3.Spent a good hour and a half skyping with the Captain... he called himself my future hubby for the first time today. :3

4. Picked up super sweet flowers for my mom and the Captains semi-mom!

5. Got to drive the Prius! I elt like I belonged when I pulled into the Whole foods parking lot!

 

What if?

Sometimes I catch myself playing the "What if?" game.. at a stoplight... waiting in the checkout line... I don't even realize I'm doing it sometimes...

What if...

He has a hard time adjusting to home...
Or he comes home with PTSD...

He comes home with no legs...
With no arms OR legs...

What if his face is burned to a crisp...
If half his body is burned to a crisp...

If he can't talk...
or is blind...

After each what if, I test myself to make sure I'd still stick around. The answer is always yes, of course..
But some of the scenarios are pretty horrific. I imagine Captain America going through all kinds of pain and injury. It's when I've killed him that I usually realize what I'm doing and snap out of it. Then I feel guilty for imaginary hurting him.

I don't watch or read the news. He says there is some stuff happening over there that the media is making a huge deal of. Maybe that makes me completely inorant... But I can't do it. When he was still at MOB, I read the news... about one of the recent attacks... I got so worried I almost had to leave work. I was crying.. and going through the whole panicky craziness. Which was not helping him. I can't do that to either of us for the next year... so I refuse to keep up with what's happening.

Today the wife of another soldier texted me to ask if I'd heard her husband was screwing up on the job. Another soldier that works with him was ranting to her and telling her basically what a fuck up her husband is. To me, this other soldier... the one talking to her is a complete dick head. The captain has told me that her husband has no issues. You always think it is the women left behind who start all the problems, who cheat, and lie... but personally I think that this soldier is out to benefit himself and try to get in this wife's favor. That's awful.

Anyways.
Lots of good things today... went apple picking with the kiddo, then swung over to The Captain's 'rents house. I'm going to make an appointment soon for the future Captain in law to go try acupuncture with me. Should be interesting.

Five things:
1. Apple picking with the kid.. The apples were scarce so we had to climb!
2. Got to visit with the mom today before heading back to my office from training.
3. The coffee was good in the training.
4. The future Mother in law gave me a sewing machine! Woohoo!
5. Got a jump on tomorrow's dinner.

Tomorrow is my court date for the little miss... wish me luck!