Rants and worries

Sent out another care package today.
This is something I truly love doing... It perfectly combines my neurotic need to take care of the Captain with my obsession with packing boxes.
I love organizing everything I can into boxes. I love making sure everything fits perfectly, and as much as ossible is put in each one. Weird...? Very... but I guess in the grand scheme of things... I could be stranger. Maybe?

I do pack some awesome packages though. ...Just sayin'.

However.. something gets to me...

I'm not the first woman to be sending care packages to the Captain. The captain was married during his first deployment. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I guess it's because the sending and recieving of packages is personal. It's really the only way I have to care for him right now. I don't know. I don't know what it is. But it's neurotic to say the least... right?

The head of our FRG has been posting some "military wife" sayings lately... This one especially got under my skin... And I've heard it before.. So I'm not bitching about her... she just reminded me.

 "The Silent Ranks
 I wear no uniforms, no blues or greens.
 But, I am in the military, in the ranks rarely seen.
 I have no rank upon my shoulders. Salutes I do not give.
 But in the military world is where I live.
 I am not in the chain of command, orders I do not give or get.
 But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget.
 I am not the one who fires a weapon, Who puts his life on the line.
 But my job is just as tough, I’m the one who is always left behind.
 My husband is a patriot, a brave and pride filled man.

 And the call to serve his country not all can understand.
 Behind the lines, I see things needed to keep this country free.
 My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do my kids and me.
 I love the man I married. The military is his life.
 So I pledge to support my hero and stand among the silent ranks known as THE MILITARY WIFE."

 

Why does this nice little ditty bug me? Because... As The loved ones who are left behind... out jobs are NOWHERE "Just as tough". We've still got our comfy beds, our families by our sides, home cooked meals, weekends... and the list goes on. Just because our soldiers are gone for a year and we have to man up to take care of the household does not make our jobs just as hard. They SUCK... WE do sacrifice... The worry, and missing him is awful... and I know it's probably not going to feel any better any time soon... but enough with the pity party.

 

That's my rant. Sorry.

 

Five things!

1. The custody hearing is over... my daughter is all mine... and My ex (not my kiddo's biological father) is finally off her paperwork.

2. Though I was worried at first.. her biological father did show at the hearing. But it was to show support and just be there. It is nice to know he and his wife truly do want to work with me. I feel like I have a team.. and can rely on them to help me give her a strong family... As viney as it may be.

3.Spent a good hour and a half skyping with the Captain... he called himself my future hubby for the first time today. :3

4. Picked up super sweet flowers for my mom and the Captains semi-mom!

5. Got to drive the Prius! I elt like I belonged when I pulled into the Whole foods parking lot!

 

What if?

Sometimes I catch myself playing the "What if?" game.. at a stoplight... waiting in the checkout line... I don't even realize I'm doing it sometimes...

What if...

He has a hard time adjusting to home...
Or he comes home with PTSD...

He comes home with no legs...
With no arms OR legs...

What if his face is burned to a crisp...
If half his body is burned to a crisp...

If he can't talk...
or is blind...

After each what if, I test myself to make sure I'd still stick around. The answer is always yes, of course..
But some of the scenarios are pretty horrific. I imagine Captain America going through all kinds of pain and injury. It's when I've killed him that I usually realize what I'm doing and snap out of it. Then I feel guilty for imaginary hurting him.

I don't watch or read the news. He says there is some stuff happening over there that the media is making a huge deal of. Maybe that makes me completely inorant... But I can't do it. When he was still at MOB, I read the news... about one of the recent attacks... I got so worried I almost had to leave work. I was crying.. and going through the whole panicky craziness. Which was not helping him. I can't do that to either of us for the next year... so I refuse to keep up with what's happening.

Today the wife of another soldier texted me to ask if I'd heard her husband was screwing up on the job. Another soldier that works with him was ranting to her and telling her basically what a fuck up her husband is. To me, this other soldier... the one talking to her is a complete dick head. The captain has told me that her husband has no issues. You always think it is the women left behind who start all the problems, who cheat, and lie... but personally I think that this soldier is out to benefit himself and try to get in this wife's favor. That's awful.

Anyways.
Lots of good things today... went apple picking with the kiddo, then swung over to The Captain's 'rents house. I'm going to make an appointment soon for the future Captain in law to go try acupuncture with me. Should be interesting.

Five things:
1. Apple picking with the kid.. The apples were scarce so we had to climb!
2. Got to visit with the mom today before heading back to my office from training.
3. The coffee was good in the training.
4. The future Mother in law gave me a sewing machine! Woohoo!
5. Got a jump on tomorrow's dinner.

Tomorrow is my court date for the little miss... wish me luck!

And how was YOUR day?

It was a rainy dreary Sunday here in my little hollow... and momma needed to get ahead on homework, so I told little miss she could call a friend over to play. What better way to keep a girl entertained then to pair her with another girl and shove them in a bedroom with dolls and movies... right?

"I'm going to call Kristen!" she exclaimed.
I dialed little Kristen and handed miss the phone... the child's father answered and little miss looked at me in confused horror and stuttered and umm'd for a good 30 seconds while mom hissed "Ask for Kristen!"
Little miss got hung up on before she coud get the words out.

<My daughter is THE QUEEN of awkward>

So mom dialed up dear old dad and explained that her daughter was not a prank caller, howevever she does have the social skills of a barn owl.
Kristen was put on the phone and a very awkward play date was set up between the girls.

Turns out however... that Kristen is a twin, and little miss failed to mention this!

So... I had three little girls tearing up my very small one floor duplex for most the day... doing "experiments" with moon sand and glitter... and making every floor look like the tooth fairy went on an all night bender and tossed her glittery little cookies everywhere.

Speaking of school!

I just signed up for my last three courses, so by January I will be DONE... Three is more then I've ever taken at a time... and this will be in conjunction with holidays, FRG, a quilting class, kid, and work.. as well as soldier maintenance... So I'm not 100% sure I'll be able to manage and keep my sanity at the same time. But I'll give it a good old college try! ...See what I did there? ha!

One of my latest assignments was to make a composition in photoshop... whatdoya think?

 

 

Five things for the day:

1. Started ordering Christmas gifts for little miss early. Woohoo archery set!

2. I found an awesome way to cook a squash.

3. Yoga was cancelled.

4. Hot cocoa with marshmellow vodka is delish, and somehow makes three little girls a bit easier to tolerate.

5. Didn't have to leave the house all day!



Things you NEED to know.

I had to write a paper today for school which caused me to reflect on my relationship with the Captain.
The question which I was to ponder was what state my relationship is currently in.

This got me to thinking about a few months ago...

The thing they don't tell you about deployments is that the pre-deployment stage SUCKS.

All you hear about before your soldier deploys is how hard it's going to be while they're gone. The difficulties you will go through once they return are touched upon as well. Even at yellow ribbon events where they basically tell everyone in the room that every girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse etc will cheat and steal all the soldiers money.. kids will hate the soldiers when they come home... the people being left behind will all be alcoholics and everyone will need to be seperated when they come home (if the relationship makes it that is)... there is not one single teeny whisper about the difficulties you will face before your soldier leaves.

This girl was blindsided... and left with a spinning head and hurt feelings wondering what the hell was happening.

So, for all of you who are with a soldier who is close to deployment... here are a few things you need to know.

1. You will fight. A LOT. And about the stupidest things. It's 100% natural. It's easier to say goodbye to someone you are mad at... So why not break up over wether or not the dirty dishes should be left on the counter or in the sink. That completely matters when you'll be apart for the next year... right?
You will also most likely feel the need to make the relationship sink or swim before your soldier parts. You need to pick one... and it's usually easier to sink then to live a year not knowing if you'll be able to swim in the future.

2. You will be distanced. You will quickly go from having the guy who teases his friends about how he gets home packed lunches while they don't. The same guy who makes orgasm noises over your roasted chicken. To the guy who sits there and tells you not to do anything for him. Not even send care packages while he's away. The same guy who denounced all phone games and texting "because the time we spend together should be with eachother." will turn into the guy who can't keep his hands off that new version of 'Where's my Water?' You will be left standing there wonder where is your place and what are you doing there.
You will also concidentally be wondering why the hell you would stick around for a lonely year if you're not wanted.

3. You will have only a tip of the iceberg feeling of what your soldier is really feeling emotionally. Your soldier will be working longer hours, and for more days straight then the average human being even dreams of... and they don't want to go any more then you want them to. Not to mention all the "business" of tying up everything for the year. Chances are if you're with a soldier you are with a 100% type "A" personality - or close to it. They're tough. Sharing feelings is for sissies. And they are definitely not stressed or tired beyond belief. Stress is for sissies. Soldiers aren't sissies! HOOAH!
This of course means you have no idea who your partner is (nor have you ever) because they are not opening up to you and that obviously means your future is doomed.

 4. Sex may be impossible for a while. Please refer to the stress and lack of sleep mentioned in number 3. However, due to number 1, 2, and 3... you will want more then anything to make that extra connection. Because of all the insecurity caused by number 1, and 2, you will also take this much harder and more personaly then you would if say... your soldier was tired, or had a hard day at work. You will not be able to take into account that physically it may be impossible for them. It will of course mean that they no longer love you and that the next year will be a waste of your time.

5. This will get better. About two weeks before they leave things will pull back together. And you will get back what you had before. And as an added bonus, you will be a stronger couple for it.
And all that stuff he said about not wanting care packages... was utter nonsense too. That boy will check his list daily like a little kid on Christmas to see if he got mail.

Lie like a rug!

Ok... So much anger earlier?
I'd say so.

I'm zen now... with some yummy salisbury steak in mah belly.. a PBR by my side, and a <semi?> clean house... Little miss is in her cave doing her yoga, my homework is caught up, popcorn balls are made for the Captain, and I have a second to type some thoughts.

Let's talk... guilt... the guilt you get any time anything good happens.

I feel extremely guilty when I get a call from a fellow family member of a soldier and they've gotten nothing for two days... when I have. I've found myself lying about getting a call or an email. My typical response has been "No I haven't gotten a call, but I'm sure we will... don't worry!"
Every soldier is different... some have better technology, some have better internet service in their rooms, all of them are on different schedules, and some are higher or lower on the food chain... some just cope better by not calling as often. And with so many soldiers over there, the possibilities are endless as to why her hubs didn't call and mine has twice already.

And I've found that it's hard for women in these positions to just be happy for eachother.
So... what's a girl to do? Lie for the greater good I say.

I dropped my ring off at the jewler yesterday to get that little 100 year old prong fixed.
Did I mention the beautiful ring the Captain picked out is 100 years old? I love this fact!!! I suggested a while ago that my ideal ring would be old, small, and sturdy. (Sturdy because I am not the most graceful gal in the world.) He picked out THE most beautiful, perfectly sized ring in the world. I couldn't have done better myself... and that's sayin' something. ;)
Anyways - had to run it over... because a prong was missing. (hey, you'd be missing a piece or two if you were 100 years old!) and the guy behind the counter took my ring.. assured me they would take great care of it and would get it done sooner then the normal 3 weeks...
"What a sweet guy" I thought...
...until he pulled out the wedding catalog. And proceeded to show me every stupid cake knife, goblet set, flask, and cufflink they could order for me. And have engraved for a small price.
Even after I nicely explained that we were not buying anything special.. would have no groomsmen etc... But I had to listen politely because he had my ring hostage!
20 minutes later, I was let free.
If the dummy was smart he would have been trying to sell me the gorgeous vintage diamond band under that big fat catalog.

Anyways. Dirty kiddo's need baths. Later!

Five things for the day:
1. Got the big boss man to apologize to me for pulling me away from something I probably shouldn't have been doing in the first place. I love that which gives me a chuckle!
2. Popcorn balls. ...Need I say more????
3. My belly is getting smaller. (I am trying hard to lose weight and tone up before Captain comes home!)
4. Got a New Years Eve date already! The good clean fun kind!
5. I have time to draw tonight!

Groomzilla strikes!

Anyone who has ever said the words "I'd be honored!" when asked to be a Best man/Maid of honor is either insane... or has never been a part of a wedding party.
That's the truth which I am finding out at this point in time my friends...
...that and baked Cheeto's are no where near as good as the regular ones.

When he proposed to his girl, my best friend asked me to be his best man (yes best man, you read that right). I thought "hell yea, this will be fun! Debaucherous Bachelor party and he's a groom... he won't be needy!"
Wrong on all three accounts BUCKO!
First... not fun. This wedding could not have come at a worse point in my life. I'm just not in the social wedding mood. I could get in the mood... but for the past 2 months... when I needed a friend... was said BFF there? Nope.
BFF could not even drag his lazy ass up here to meet the Captain before he shipped off.
BFF threw a 2 week pressure filled hissy fit because momma pulled out of a 3 day overnight Dubstep fest a week after the captain left. (I despise dubstep btw)
BFF could not even say congratulations when I got engaged.
BFF (though asked specifically not to) called and emailed while I was on captains 4 day pass to ask an opinion on wedding invites.. then proceeded to tell me to look while Captain was pooping or parking a car because I reminded him of my request not to contact me.
And much MUCH more has transpired.. BFF has been a *royal douche* as of late. BFF has been demoted from friendship, and momma no longer has any joy from doing this wedding. I'm pretty sure at this point I am just being used because I am his only friend intelligent enough to pull this together.
"What's so bad about planning a party and giving a toast... suck it up and get it over with".. you may say... I've said this to myself too... many times.
Well ... remember that part about me thinking "he's a groom, he won't be needy!" wrong again... He's micromanaging everything.
And - Maybe I'm wrong, but It's just not right to give a debaucherous bachelor party when your future groom is on the other side of the planet risking his life. I advised BFF of this. After an argument, it was determined a jack and jill would be had. Since that decision... he has had his nose SO far into the planning, he should be planning it himself. I am so nervous that whatever I do will be boring for him, I am just fed up with the whole thing.
I want to tell him to take himself... and his wedding... and his party... and shove it up his arse.

If anyone asks me to be in a wedding party again I am just going to LAUGH.
And I'm not having a wedding party. I won't do this to anyone.

Anyways... Sorry about the rant.
I'll post more happy thoughts later!

My captain is (safe?) in his destination!

This is driving me crazy already. I have been EXTREMELY lucky in that we have been able to text eachother almost every day since we started wanting to text eachother... even through MOB. And I'm lucky that I have a boy who wants to talk to me so much... ;) Hell.. he's lucky I want to talk to HIM so much! hehe
I'm having big withdrawls now. There is no texting - email only..
And because of this time difference the Captain is in bed most of my awake time!
I'm sure I'll get used to it... but right now I feel like a crack head who needs her Captain fix...
It's driving me a little crazy. I keep checking my phone thinking it went off and I just didn't hear it... Checking my email... Nothing. I'd better get used to this soon!

Got mah first care package packaged and ready to send tomorrow though - and not to toot my own horn.. but I'm kinda awesome at the care package making! <toot,toot> My boy's going to get a down comforter, brand new sheets, magazines, a shirt, a picture in the frame, coffee, drinks, and other assorted goodies.. all in one large priority box! <woot,woot!>
I think the thing that bother's me most of all is that he's going to do without so much this year. Not that he ever asks for much... but it bugs me.

Anyways - this girl is exhausted. Tuesday night this girl got called into work at 10PM. Bundled the little miss up and brought her to my friends house... then trucked myself and the mutt into work.
I worked from 10PM until 3:30PM... 'tis the nature of the beast... But the beast can bite my boob. :/
This is the type of message you'll get when you leave your pup to be babysat by a bunch of men..

She's got her cute face on because she thinks she's getting that brownie...

After I left work I went to see the Captain's family friends... I love those folks... but if they tell me not to do the daily necessary things that parents to to teach little ones good manners... I may choke them. seriously. There's some manners for ya!
Sigh... No... my child cannot ask the hostess to make her a hot dog when there is a good meal in front of her. No... my child can not exect everything to be dropped so that the channel can be changed 2 minutes prior to dinner. Yes... my child DOES have to say please and thank you and hello and goodbye...
Maybe I was just tired from not sleeping... But I left there so frustrated. They've never had kids. I want to leave the Miss with them for a month and see how they critique me after that.
Went to breakfast with the boss yesterday morning (they do need to feed us when we're working 17 hour shifts) and who should walk in but the future father in law....
Poor guy comes in and hs future daughter in law is sitting there having breakfast with a strange man.
Holy hot death rays from hell were shooting out of his eyes until I explained and introduced.
...And got a good chuckle.
I went to see them tonight and he denies it... but the rays were there... momma thought there was gunna be a brawl!!

Ok. So I need to go get some work done.
And maybe get to sleep early?? Wishful thinking.

Five things:
1. Wedding(ish) planning. We're doing a quick elopement and a big redneck pig roast. So I get to pick out a pretty dress and design cute invites (the 2 most fun parts!!). We both are through our practice marriages (that's what Captain calls our first marriages) so for this time around - The LAST time- we want simple, and FUN. All about just enjoying the private moment of the wedding itself and then celebrating the shit out of it after!
2. Got pics of the Captains room, and got to talk to him for a bit today. He sounds like he's going to enjoy himself this year. If he's not miserable I'm ok!
3. So thankful I have future in-laws that I like!
4. My kiddo is super inspired to draw lately because I drew her a little picture on my last flight. Who woulda known it took something so small...?
5. Took the kiddo to Panera where she had an actual convo with me... hey... she's 8... ever tried to have a convo with an 8 year old? It's like talking to Cleverbot..

Goodnight all! One of us is already out...

Keep on Keepin' on...

Feeling much better, but this little lady was way too tuckered out to post yesterday. My feet looked like big fat dry sausages, and the rest of me felt like it matched those little pig toes.

Spent the good half of the day volunteering for a FRG meeting/poluck. I was cute in my little wedges. However this dummy forgot to bring a pair of backup flip flops. Ouch!
Wedges are a treat for me normally... Hard to slip them in when Captains home because he's only about 3 inches taller then me. He doesn't mind me being taller for a day - but I spent most of my high school years towering over the boys... all set with that now! Thank YOU! ;)

Anyways - twas a great day.

Got to see the soon to be step kiddo's... who I haven't seen in about a month thanks to the psycho ex wife... We'll save that for another day.

And I met a lot of really awesome ladies. I've felt up until this past weekend like what Jane Goodall must have felt like when she pushed those branches aside for the first time and got her glimpse at that big chimp family in front of her. Not that my new family looks or acts like a bunch of chimps... but I've felt so much like an outsider looking in.. wanting to play... but not sure at all that they'd be accepted. I think that the original feeling of the leaders was that I could be a threat, being Captain's fiancee and all... Or that I wasn't going to stick around at all period... Who is this new tattooed hussey anyways? God knows I would think I was a weirdo!
Anyways - I feel like I'm getting there... they're not quite ready to pick ticks off my head... but it's a start. ;)

Five things:

1. Got flowers delivered by my Captain! Nevermind the fact that they arrived like this because my married coworker who doesn't get flowers intercepted them! hehe

2. My Captain is safe for the moment on a 48 hour pit stop in a country other then his destination. He has his own room and his own internet access (Thank you Skype!!!) And because they're stuck where they are, he and his soldiers have a chance to adjust to the time change in a more gradual, less balls to the wall way.
3. We're into unit 4 of classes and I am not shitting my pants yet. Quite the opposite as I am actually enjoying myself! Fingers crossed that I will be done with school before the Captain gets home!
4. My kiddo took the time to make the Captain a very nice picture of an owl wearing an Army Helmet, and wrote him a very nice little letter. She even took the time to draw him a little hand gun on the bottom of her letter. (sigh... just isn't right.)
5. My hair looked hella cute today despite te fact that the rest of me was a trainwreck. ;)

K - Back to work!

WTFery

Today's rough... especially rough.
It's hard to say what you want to when you can't stop blubbering. And it's not that I can't do this... it's just the drastic high to low has poked little holes in that big resiliancy shield I had going on...
I really am ok honey.
<sob,sob> Believeable?? <sob,sob>
Sigh... silly girl...

Anyways... New FRG team member here... woot woot. Went to my first official meeting.. met some nice little Army ladies... good day over all.
Ate chinese for lunch though.... so I am now suffering from a severe MSG headache... going to finish up this chicken casserole for tomorrow's FRG potluck... pop a PBR, and nod off to sleep.

First I need to order Captain America some super awesome sheets... should I go with the pink polka dots, or little grey skulls? Mwahahaha

And who am I kidding... this is a 3 PBR night.

On the bright side...  I thought I was going to come home to tomato soup all over my floor due to this...

BUUUUT....
I came home to a clean house, mowed lawn, and happy kiddo courtesy of the babysitter! I love that kid. Too bad he lives 3 towns away. :/

Five things for the day....
1. Um... amazing babysitter... hello! Did I mention he gives fashion tips too? haha
2. Captain America seems to be an awesome communicator compared to some of the other soldiers.
3. There's a shit ton of PBR in the fridge courtesy of Captain America trying tet his fill before he left.
4. Dunkin' Donut K-Cups were on sale!
5. Momma got to sleep in for an hour this morning.

Speaking of the big DD... Captain America... loves Pumpkin coffee... Goes to get the last one he will have in a while this morning and they are completely out... Poor Boy. :'(

Peace out Homies. Momma's got a casserole to finish.

First post.... Yay!

I'm a couple of days in this but let me share..
Just back from a 4 day pass in TX with the love of my life before he ships over to sand land.

I left home a girlfriend and returned home a fiancee.
I left home prettily primped even down to waxed off hair from southern regions I don't even want to mention...  and came home feeling like this... I feel like an old grandpa wearing womens jewelry.

How do you go from being so happy... on vacation with the love of your life sipping margaritas by the pool... indulging in the best mexican food of your life... having the most amazingly hot crazy monkey sex EVER... and getting engaged(!!!)... back to the hum drum alone* life you're going to live while he's gone?

I can do this on my own... that isn't the issue... I can mow my own lawn, shovel my own snow and dog shit... I'm a girl who can hold her own. Right now I am just missing the comforts of my boy. Terribly.

And how does one even dare feel sad when Captain America is being seperated from his kiddo's, his life... and on top of it working 24/7 (no mid-tour leave any more thank you) in sand land? He's going to have sand in places I don't even want to see and sleeping in a metal building while fiancee gets to cuddle in our nice bed and eat all of her own home cooked meals.

How does a girl with all the comforts of home even dare grumble? Ponder me that people.

 

*Sorry... not alone... I do have a little girl, a dog, and the clone a willy I brought back from TX. But you know what I mean.

 

This is my year to snap shit. I need to finish school and fix my overactive negative brain so I can stop being so goddamned uptight.

Shrinky told me to think of 5 things each night and 5 things each morning that I am happy/thankful for on that day... Here's tonight's list:

1. My kiddo actually missed me while in TX... what... my kid noticed I was gone???

2. I saw the woman with the 4 foot long boobies today.

3. The guys I work with took it upon themselves to announce my engagement on the intercom today.

4. I got som fresh tomates!

5. I got to talk to Captain America for a few hours today while he supported me through some craziness.

 

What craziness you ask?

Sitting in a meeting this morning just minding my own business and this pops up on my phone...

A little background. My ex was crazy to begin with. Hence the reason he is an ex. However... the craziness erupted to a new level when I left him... and today reahed an all time awesome level of nuttiness... 

Apparently he found out this little lady is getting hitched.

WTF is he talking about? Back about 4 years ago we took joint custody of my niece... since then he has used her as a pawn to start every argument under the book with me. Relief and terror struck me after getting this message... Relief because thank effing christ I can finally stop being harassed... terror because I do NOT want to see my kiddo go through being abandoned by yet another person who claimed to have cared for her. (It was her bio-mother last year)

I replied basically with a "Good, but you're a dick.. and you need to explain why to her.." I dusted my hands and started planning my plan of action to help the little lady...

But... as always, can anything ever be simple? No... because he is "Not giving up on her at all!"

FML.

Are lobotomies still legal?

 

I go to court on the 3rd to get him off the custody paperwork. This has been a year and a half in the making. Fingers crossed it isn't a shit show.

 

Anways...

We're thinking of having a pig roast to celebrate the nuptials.

I want to name the pig single.. Then cook that sucker up and destroy it!

 

Lets hope this deployment goes fast!